Permission to Live

*This is an entry taken directly from my journal. I wasn’t originally going to share it with anyone, but through promptings and encouragement from some of my squadmates and the Holy Spirit, I feel at complete and utter peace about inviting you in to an instance on a bus in which God changed my life. 

     Because I struggled with an eating disorder for so much of my life, I had caused my body a great deal of physical distress and turmoil. If you know anyone who has ever battled an eating disorder then you probably know that the side effects that go along with them are devastating and rather heartbreaking. While I was in the midst of my battle I started to realize the grief and stress I was putting my body through, but I simply didn’t care. As I started to strive and actually fight for my recovery, it saddened me as I realized the magnitude of danger I put my body into contact with. 

     I started to see my body as God’s temple and as a precious gift that He had entrusted to me so that I may carry out His will. Although I began to not only know, but also believe this, I still wouldn’t let myself forget all the pain and damage I had caused my body. 

     I‘ve never told anyone this (except for a few of my squadmates) for fear that someone would think I was crazy, but for quite some time I’ve believed that I would not live a long life because of just how badly I had damaged my body through my eating disorder. It was something I had just accepted and without even realizing it, I was letting it keep me fearful, chained, and unable to freely and boldly live my life. 

     Jumping topics a little bit, but something else I just “knew” beyond a shadow of a doubt and had fully grown to accept was the fact that I would never fall in love and get married. Whether it be a lack of feeling desired or attractive to guys because I was uncomfortable or ashamed of my own body, or some other outlier I’m not even aware of, I had just convinced myself that I would be forever single and strived to do my best to be okay with that. 

     Recently I was on a bus headed from Belize to Guatemala. As we traveled down the road I stared out the window with my music playing in my headphones and couldn’t help but smile at the beautiful traveling conditions God had gifted to us. As I smiled I shut my eyes and something happened that has never happened to me before. Some might say it was a vision from God, others might call it a “picture” that He showed me… To be honest I don’t really care what it was called, all I know is that it was beautiful, filled me with hope, and forever changed my life in an instant. 

     As I closed my eyes I saw an image of me, however I appeared to be in my late 60’s or early 70’s, and I was slow dancing with my husband. I have no idea how I know he was my husband, but I just know it was him. I never saw his face, but mine had the biggest smile etched upon it as we danced by the light of a fireplace. 

     I opened my eyes and the picture was gone. Tears began to fall down my cheeks as I looked back out the window and mouthed the words “thank you” to God. You see I don’t think God was promising me that I’d live to be 100 or that I’d have a love that would inspire novels, and plays, and movies, but I think that He was more so telling me that it’s time to stop being stuck in fear of what is or isn’t to come and to start living in the full freedom He has given me. And no… that doesn’t mean I get to go out and be reckless and fearlessly do anything and everything that pops into my head, quite the contrary. My Papa has given me permission and a promise to go out and live this life He has given me to the fullest; abandoning fear, stepping out of chains and the bondage of the “what if’s” and the “what’s to come” that this life will bring, and full force facing each and everyday with boldness and bravery as a child of God. I don’t know about you, but I intend to start doing just that! 

-Meagan